I was very lucky to attend a local event where we had Kim John Payne (see http://www.simplicityparenting.com) come to give a talk on child discipline. Kim has a Masters degree in education and has been a school counselor, adult educator, consultant, researcher, educator and a private family counselor for twenty seven years. He regularly gives key note addresses at international conferences for educators, parents, and therapists and runs workshops and training’s around the world. Our event was sponsored by our local Waldorf School here in Nelson, B.C..

Kim started off with a clarification on the word “discipline”.  It really comes from the word “disciple” which means “to be followed”.  This underscores the importance of how parents must set an example for their kids, who are constant imitators of our actions. Kim then gave some historical perspective on discipline by pointing out that before the 1930s, there was no discipline.  Children back then simply worked, and so were judged by the quality of their work rather than their behaviour. In fact, homework, was literally that – baking, cleaning, taking care of animals, fixing/building and so on all done within the home.

In the past, according to Kim discipline has been all about “behaviour modification” and telling children about “natural consequences” of their actions to change behaviour.  The flaws with this approach are that changing child behaviour often leads to “sneaky” children, and also denial of their actions.  Children are motivated individuals, and will find a way around obstacles that their parents present.  Kim talks about thinking about children as being “disoriented” rather than “disobedient”.  He made a great metaphor about discipline being similar to how a sculptor takes away all the unwanted materials from a block to reveal what is left behind as the sculpture.  This allows us to concentrate on de-emphasizing unwanted behaviour, and focus more on the positive outcome of how we want our children’s values to be shaped.

Kim is also much more fond of “time-ins” vs “time-outs”.  He sees many issues with time-outs (our most popular article by far on rootparenting.org).  The main issue he feels is that they are a means of sending away your problems rather than addressing them.  This approach will encourage our children to grow up and avoid/walk away from problems or stressful situations rather than talking about them and addressing them.  These times are opportunities for resolving tough issues and forming stronger bonds with our children.  Gordon Neufeld is also greatly opposed to the use of “time-outs” with children.

Kim continues to revisit the history of discipline by talking about how, during the 1990s, our parents were deeply entrenched in working in team focussed environments.  This time was where parents who were often managers in their companies would bring this corporate approach home to use to “manage” their children.  As Kim says, when children are managed, “they will unionize!”.   Our parents were also part of a generation who started to give children too many choices.  Children at a young age especially he says, feel unsafe when given choices because it makes it appear that their parents don’t know what is best for them.  Children need the security of a parent who will make the important choices for them to guide them.  Kim talks of a parent needing to progress from a caring “governer”, “dictator” or “authoritative role-model” during the younger years (under age 6 or 7) to then a “gardener” (age 7 to 12) to finally a “guide” when they reach their teen years.  This is a key concept since when a child is “rebelling” or “disoriented” in their behaviour, they must be brought back to a previous stage until they earn their parents trust again.

Kim is also not fond of any kind of reward or punishment model.  Parents who give their children under the age of 9 or 10 years consequences will not get results, since children simply don’t fully understand them at that point.  It’s not until age 5 or 6 that the left and right brain have actually started to connect, so that they can connect rational and creative thoughts.  Children at a young age may appear to understand that if they don’t treat their sibling well, they won’t get dessert, but more often than not, they are operating in the present rather than thinking much at all about the future.  Their brain simply isn’t wired yet for that complex forward thinking.

Then there are the “good jobber” parents.  Kim talks of many “praise junky” parents who can’t help themselves from saying how great their children’s paintings, block houses or somersaults are.  They reality Kim says, is that this is teaching children to rely on your input and approval, rather than their own sense of satisfaction and self worth.  When a child brings you a painting, he suggests that you ask questions about it and show interest (why did you choose all black for this part?) rather than blind praise.  Children are also smart enough to know that when parents offer nothing but positive comments on anything they do, they start to become naturally skeptical.  Kim feels that words are not always required to show your child your approval.

When children start to “push our buttons” as parents, what they really are doing is testing us for approval.  They need to become oriented towards what is right and wrong, and so constantly “ping” us for feedback.  Being honest (even if negative) is actually a more healthy approach rather than sugar-coating the truth.  Kim says parents, as much as 80% of the time, ask questions too politely to get their children to do things, rather than “telling them” what to do.  We need to be clear and authorative with our kids, so they know their boundaries and what is expected of them.  As Gordon Neufeld also says (and Kim quotes Gordon often), you must “connect, then direct”.

“Stand on 2 feet, be 2 feet away, look at your child squarely in the eyes, and tell them what to do. Say it only once. “

If you start having to repeat yourself, you are simply not connecting with your child and will lose their attention.  When a young (4 to 6 years)  child interrupts you, you must be clear and even use your hand as  sign language to indicate that you are not ready to talk to them.  Pause and stay close, but you need them to respect and listen to you.  You still need to foster a connection with them for them to listen, but stick to your guns even if they start to cry and meltdown.  When telling a child to do something, like get dressed to go to the car, Kim says you need to “pause, start small, insist and stay close”.  This is not easy, but as long as you stay focussed on your child (vs your phone or computer especially), they will listen and follow your lead.  It requires patience, but a consistent approach like this is typically effective within not more than 3 attempts according to Kim’s 27 years of experience.

When dealing with teenagers, who are now aware of consequences, your approach is a little different.  Kim says that you must “meet them in the middle” so that they feel heard.  Your role is still the guide, so you must help them draw boundaries with their decisions.  They are capable of being able to decide among choices, and this is empowering to them, so be respectful of what they want to do, and try to find a safe alternative to ideas that are not favourable to you.  They still need to feel a connection with you, and feel loved and listened to.

Internationally, 9 to 10 years of compulsory education is required in most countries, starting from age 5 or 6.  One notable exception is Germany, however, where homeschooling is illegal (and has been since 1930).  This is somewhat ironic, since Germany is the homeland of Rudolph Steiner and Waldorf Education, a very grass roots age-appropriate approach to education which a strong emphasis on the arts.  There is also a movement in the US towards unschooling and natural learning, which is a curriculum-free philosophy, coined in 1977 by American educator and author John Holt in his magazine Growing Without Schooling.  These approaches are more of a “learn by doing” approach which integrates real life into child experiences rather than using textbooks as a basis for education.

Brian Ray of the National Home Education Research Institute explains why US homeschooling families now include more than 1.4 million children. Ray reports the typical homeschooled child is involved in 5.2 social activities outside the home each week. These activities include afternoon and weekend programs with conventionally (typically publicly) schooled kids, such as ballet classes, Little League teams, Scout troops, church groups and neighbourhood play.  And with respect to book learning, homeschoolers, on average, score 30 to 37 percentile points higher than conventionally schooled students on the most commonly administered K-8 standardized tests.

Homeschooled children are much less preoccuppied with peer dependence.  Emotionally, homeschooled children tend to draw their main social identity from their membership in their family rather than from their peers.  And as Gordon Neufeld reinforces in his book, “Hold Onto Your Kids.” his 35 years of child development experience (plus 5 kids of his own) point out  ”Why Parents Matter More than Peers”.  His book explores the pivotal importance of children’s relationships to those responsible for them.  Neufeld  highlights how devastating child’s lives can become when they get their teachings from peers rather than parents or adult role-models. His book also confronts such relationship devastating devices as time-outs and using what children care about against them. Neufeld essentially offers an attachment parenting perspective, offering strategies for preserving and restoring the child-to-parent relationship.  Home-schooling can really help foster strong parent to child bonds.

David Guterson talks about the issues around peer dependence in his book, “Family Matters: Why Homeschooling Makes Sense,” (Harcourt-Brace Jovanovich, 1992). Guterson reports that the kids in his conventional school often have difficulty navigating the turbulent social scene at school, with “its cliques, rumors and relentless gossip, its shifting alliances and expedient betrayals.” Guterson says that their preoccupation with peer acceptance often encourages young people to become “acutely attuned to a pre-adult commercial culture that usurps their attention (M-TV, Nintendo, fashion magazines, teen cinema)” and frequently fosters a sense of alienation from people of other ages.  Many parents of “distant” or “aloof” teens often wonder what they’ve done to deserve this treatment.  Children who receive home education don’t get a chance to sever this important bond with their parents.

I see elements of peer-influenced mass media when my kids interact with others in the playground. When another child talks about the latest Disney or shoot-em-up action hero movie, my kids are often caught off guard.  Being a no-screen family, my kids listen with mouths open as other children describe the various violent scenes that their adult action hero has making mince-meat of whatever villian they are facing.  I am happy to shelter my kids from this kind of school-yard discussion of passively absorbed media.  I have a friend who’s child’s play was changed forever after watching Star Wars. Some families take young (age 5 and under) children to movie theatres where they are blasted with wall sized ads, violent cartoon scenarios and general over-stimulation. Any child development specialist will tell you that child brains simply can’t handle this at a young age.  Simplicity Parenting founder Kim Payne highlights the emotional similarities between media ravaged kids and children raised in from war-torn third world countries.  He also points out a direct correlation between children diagnosed with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and their hours spent in front of “the box”.  It’s sad to hear school yard banter talking about gossiping characters in the latest reality TV series vs what they actually did themselves last weekend.

Educational researcher Susannah Sheffer of Cambridge, Mass., says facilitating peer-dependency is part of “how schools shortchange girls”. In a recent study of self-esteem among adolescent girls, Sheffer found that unlike their conventionally schooled counterparts, homeschooled girls did not typically lose confidence in themselves when their ideas and opinions weren’t embraced by their friends. And we know that it’s not just self-esteem, but an increasing importance on self-compassion which makes girls and boys more emotionally confident and mature.

Learning at home never stops.  Not only can it be tailored to the individual child (vs a classroom of 30+ kids), but it can mostly happen outside the classroom.  There is also more time to study subjects in depth, without the worry of a bell ringing (Pavlov’s Dog anyone?) or lunch arbitrarily stopping a lesson exactly at noon.  Homeschooling strengthens the most important bond of all, the family bond.  Interestingly, 30% of homeschoolers in the US do so because of religious reasons.  I found this shocking, maybe just being Canadian, but it does make the point that many parents want to share their own personal, spiritual or religious beliefs with their children, and not have them be force fed someone else’s ideals.

Homeschooling means also that children are not just exposed to others their exact same age, but are also integrated with younger and older children and elders constantly.  From a health perspective, being in a low stress environment with home-cooked meals is much more desirable to many families.  And most importantly I think, is the ability for children to engage creatively in their own play.  Free and active play has always been heralded to being key in any healthy child.  They need time to digest their own learnings, experiment, pretend and be creative on their own time.  Many feel that this play is when the true learning occurs, and what better setting for that to be than in their own home.

It is a tough job being transparent to the all seeing of a child. What this means for me is working on walking the talk with the kids. Pausing and looking more at what I do, and the genuine affect it has on my children. It is scary the power we have in molding these little people.

My dear friend, and date for the Waldorf night, saw this clearly. She is afraid to put the following quote on her fridge: “Am I worthy of imitation?” And frankly, so am I. Google “am i worthy of imitation” and you get umpteen references to the bible. From what I’ve been told though, nothing associated with God is easy.

Yoga and Pregnancy

My yoga practice as a parent began when I was pregnant with my first baby. Apparently barfing and yoga do not go hand-in-hand, so I learned how to practice non-physical yoga. Being pregnant was a yoga practice in and of itself because to do it well, I had to be aware of my limits and abilities and aware of my actions and emotions on my baby.  Books and videos helped me start up the physical practice in my second trimester. Guidance was important at this stage because I needed to learn how to adjust positions to accommodate the new body I was in. My emotional practice helped me in choosing a home birth, because I could look my fears right in the eye and come out the other side with a confidence and trust that I could birth safely.

Yoga and Birthing

Birthing my first baby was made easy because of yoga. With practised Ujjayi breathing I could ride the pain of contractions and remain focussed and confident. I remember my midwife telling me to push at one point during active labour, and I confidently said ‘no, another little bit and I will be ready.’ Baby was crowning and it felt to me that if I just pushed through when she suggested, I was going to tear. I was dancing with baby and only I could know when to do-si-do. The awareness of my body I had learned through yoga (to push myself to the edge of my physical ability, just before hurting myself) allowed me to understand where baby was and what was needed from me to get her out. I was good at going inward to find my strength and disciplined to rest between contractions, even before I was tired.

My second baby came a lot faster and with much more intensity, and I wonder if it was because my yoga practice was much less integrated in my life as a new mom. Breathing during active labour came more in the form of deep pursed lips and bulging eyes as my girlfriend stared me through the tough contractions… but I digress. Although I had to work harder to find my breath, it was still a useful tool. More importantly, when I was finding the birth difficult, I had a knowing voice inside me that reminded me to surrender to the pain and to live in the moment of each step that was necessary to bring baby to us. Thinking I couldn’t possibly make it to the end was of no use to any of us. Although it was a tougher birth, yoga allowed me to birth at home and without drugs a second time.

Yoga and Parenting

As a parent, it has become increasingly clear to me that I can only be of quality service to my family if I am loving myself. Yoga has been the only solution to my woes and gives me a place to go when I need help. So here I am with a two and four year old, trying to integrate a physical yoga practice back into my life. Not only do I suffer some body image issues that will be helped, I miss the time on my mat I use to meditate and get myself grounded emotionally. When things are spinning, I like to spin them down out of my head, through my body and down into the ground. My husband and I will pull out our mats and do some poses with the kids – they love it and I hope to find classes for families to attend soon. But of course, doing it with the kids does not allow me focus to set my intentions, and then move through a series of postures that help me to integrate the intentions. As with anything I want to do these days, I need to schedule it.

Unconditional love of our kids is touted in attachment parenting circles. Helping our kids work through their problems, requires us to be able to sit their with them through the tough stuff. We’ve been known to lean on bribing and incentives to encourage movement through unwanted behaviour – ‘treats’ are motivators in our family. I’ve learned though that this is just a temporary distraction and of now use to them in learning to work through things. So now that I’m loving myself, I’m figuring out how to guide my kids to love themselves and life. Wanting to be a good role model for them, yoga is giving me tools and knowledge to guide:

Awareness – I want to be able to demonstrate to my children how to find awareness on all levels: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Yoga is the only practice that I know integrates all of these well, making if very efficient.
Intention Setting – I want to be able to teach my children how to identify meaningful goals for themselves.
Finding Presence – My children teach this to me every day. I want them to continue to appreciate what they are getting out of every moment, for the rest of their lives. 

Root Concept

Do any of the words or phrases – presence, awareness, surrender, let it go, pick your battles, blessing or intention – mean anything to you? If so, then I contend you are living a happier life, and one that already includes yogic practices.

Yesterday, I ran into one of the many instructors I have had over the years and she asked how my yoga practice was going. It is so easy for me to bemoan how little I get on my mat. So I was happy that my answer was a simple sweep of my hand towards my laughing children. She nodded with a knowing smile and no more was said.

Related Resources

Yoga for Pregnancy by Sandra Jordan

Aqua Yoga for Pregnancy – I really learned to care for myself and connect with baby in the aqua yoga class I did while pregnant. 

This one looks good for sharing yoga with children – My Daddy is a Pretzel by Baaron Baptiste

Teachings about Presence – The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

Teachings about Awareness - Mother’s Breath: A Definitive Guide to Yoga Breathing, Sound and Awareness Practices During Pregnancy, Birth, Post-natal Recovery and Mothering by Uma Dinsmore-Tuli. 

Written By: Nicole LeBlanc Charlwood

After months of waking every two hours with my daughter, I got pregnant with my son. I was a barfer and would get crazy neck kinks from feeding in bed. I grew very impatient and cranky and needed to find ways to get more sleep, quickly. After responding to her every desire for 20 months, I had to find a way to teach her to self-soothe – and so began the journey of trying to teach my kids to have a strong self-esteem, but that is another story. My husband and I dabbled in letting her cry herself to sleep because it was supposed to be the most efficient, and therefore least harmful to my relationship with my daughter. It struck us as a bit odd thought that a lot of deep crying for four days was supposed to teach her how to sleep.  Like time-outs, it was too hard on our nervous systems and intuitively we weren’t comfortable ignoring the need of our baby for comfort. The book we were hearing about from a lot of parents was The No Cry Sleep Solution. So I photocopied the workbook and took notes every night and watched over about three months as we slowly worked at finding new soothing tools for our daughter while simultaneously weaning her, first of daytime, then night time feeds. I had a list of 14 ideas for helping soother my baby, and I was trying to find the magic solution. It took months of analysing to get her sleeping more through the night. Two days after fully weaning her, she slept through the night.

With my second child, at about 17 months, I saw that I was beginning to need more sleep again and that I was losing presence with those around me. Seeing the early signs of my need, I began to introduce pacifiers, bottles and stuffies a little earlier, before beginning to wean. Our son began to sleep through the night at 19 months, after he was fully weaned and it felt much more naturally acquired. I do have little pangs of guilt knowing I didn’t make it to two years with either of the kids. I’m trying to pump milk for another few months to give our son the physical health benefits, and hope I can get more than an ounce every couple of days, argh. I waited until I was weaning to start pumping. My bad. For replacement of the emotional support the kids had from breastfeeding, we make time for good quality cuddling – the entire family is well-versed in ‘hugs and smooches’ and we encourage lots of massage.

In the beginning I thought that I could breastfeed during the day only and have the kids sleep at night. I learned that with both of our children, it was full weaning that brought sleep back into our house. We do still play musical beds when our one-and-a-half year old is teething or our  almost-four year old wakes from a bad dream. I feel though that we found a good balance of caring for them in their tender ages, and caring for our needs too. Now we can count on a few good nights of sleep a week, which really helps us to be better with ourselves and each other.

Written By: Nicole LeBlanc Charlwood