I’ve found myself quite tired recently, and so my old coping patterns come up… like bullying through my day, moving from one task to the next to keep me going. I end up shunting my kids around town, or not really being available to them at home. When things become too much for me, I shut down into my own busy jobs and miss good quality time with my children. Their attention is my number one job, and I know we can’t be on for them every second, but I feel I could do better.

One day my daughter came up to me all excited, asking me to come look at something she spent a lot of time building. I said sharply: “Not now.”  I was trying to figure out our health insurance situation and was almost at some clarity. The look on her face, the sadness and the disappointment, caused me to pause. In my pre-attachment parenting days, I would have felt the right to keep on going with what I was doing. Although these are feelings she should learn to manage, I do see it as my job to guide her through those emotions. But when I’m the ‘busy’ or ‘automatic pilot’ me, there is no connecting to me.

A pause can get you straight to the cause

Sure, I could be saying I stopped what I was doing to give her my all. But at this point I’m happy with having learned to pause, bend down to her height and look at her while I say, “I know you are excited to show me, and I’m excited too. I’ll finish what I’m doing shortly and be right there to see it” saves her moving into a fit and gives her the chance to say, “I’m sad Mama.” followed by an “I know you are Sweet Pea” from me. Then we calmly go on with our day, with only a short pause to discuss and acknowledge her sadness at not getting what she wants in that moment. Sure beats a long meltdown with my four-year-old daughter on the floor screaming or sitting alone in her sadness.

Written By: Nicole LeBlanc Charlwood

I like the idea that I am just a small blip on the evolutionary path of the human race. I don’t have to figure out our ever-changing world, and my place in it to know what to do as a parent. If change is inevitable, I see my job in the human continuum as helping to ensure we are shifting or evolving in a positive direction. The challenge is to identify the difference between evolved change, and change for the sake of itself.

Our children have the ability to live more fulfilling lives than simply being an animal of the stock-market food chain. But I often feel at a crossroad when faced with big parenting decisions. Parents that have the ability to marry the good of past ways with thoughtful new ways, are the trend setters that will help keep kids and parents on the right path.

Have you noticed that rarely do you see spanking in public anymore. Spanking used to be seen as an appropriate response to child behavioural issues. It’s true that this form of negative reinforcement has temporarily been replaced by the ‘time-out‘, but this can be seen as just a step on our evolutionary path away from anger and reinforcement of bad behaviour. We now understand more about children and what motivates them to behave and be happy. More and more we seem capable of setting aside our egos and unrealistic expectations of children, allowing us to get to the root of our family problems and to guide children through them. Without alienating them.

To all those out there who raised us and are watching and supporting our work as parents, please don’t take it as a personal affront if we do things a little differently. Be proud that you were a piece of the evolution of parenting. We are who we are because of you.

Root Concept:

We are evolving as human beings and this has a profound affect on parenting.  The continuum concept is the idea “.. that in order to achieve optimal physical, mental and emotional development, human beings require the kind of experience to which our species adapted during the long process of our evolution.” Natural selection for the body, mind and spirit. We can’t simply change who and what we are overnight, for our convenience. An example of the staying power of our evolution is the desire of babies to be kept close to a parent most of the time until at least six months of age. Parents who haven’t learned to sling or hold their babies to make them happier, should be able to intuitively know to hold them close, but many don’t. We are out thinking our evolutionary legacy of parenting experience.

What Experts Say:

Stephen Pinker ’s work in evolutionary psychology discusses how , because of natural selection, our brains are equipped with a set of tools to deal with problems faced by our ancestors.

Developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld teaches attachment parenting concepts and reassures us that we can tap into our evolved internal knowing (intuition) for the right answers in raising our children. See a clip of him speaking below.

Gabor Maté M.D. and co-author of Hold On To Your Kids, looks at how adolescents are evolving as caregivers for their peers, in place of their parents, because they aren’t getting the guidance and support from us that they need.

Try This:

My evolved friend suggested this variation on the time-out. If you feel the need for a shift in your young child’s behaviour, take a time-out with them. It is your job to teach them how to look disappointment in the eye and find a way to be ok with it. Making them go away to cope on their own only makes them feel bad about themselves. Try a change in venue to remove them from a negative situation, but stay with them. Even if you are on opposite sides of the room. When they come out the other side of the tantrum, you can experience the rawest kind of love because they know you saw them through. Staying calm and present with my children through their percieved hardships has been challenging, but very rewarding.

Success Story:

My daughter’s teacher told us that she is very capable when it comes to letting things roll off her back, and I believe this is because we have chosen the way of guiding through disappointment rather than punishing their immature emotions.

Bottom Line:

We can be very hard on ourselves as parent. Give yourself a break knowing that you are part of an evolutionary process that provides natural intuition and the opportunity to get better over time.

Dr. Gordon Neufeld speaking about what makes a child easy to parent.